Valentine's Day Conversation to my Wife

I swear if I shit any bigger I think my ass will blow up. I shot one out that had the curve of my intestinal track. I don't recall eating any thing that big. It had to separate shades of brown; what was that lunch and the dinner. Come on honey come take a look.

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jOKE

A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day.
After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation. The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills. The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.
The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him. The doctor replied,
"You aren't getting enough water."

Roast Duck

2 tb Worcestershire sauce
1 tb Starch,dissolved in 2Tb-water
2 tb Light Soy sauce
1 ts Sugar
1 3-4 lb Long Island Duck

Combine the first three ingredients, coat the duck and let stand 2 hrs. Fill a steamer pan with water 1 1/2" deep. Place duck on rack breast side up, reserving marinade . Cover, bring water to boil and steam 30 min. Skim fat from steaming juice and reserve. Preheat oven to 400 F. Transfer duck to a baking dish and brush with reserved marinade. Roast uncovered 15 min. Lower heat to 350 and roast a further 40 min. Remove duck to a cutting board. Skim and discard fat from the pan juices. In a small pan, combine reserved steaming and roasting juices, bring to a simmer, add the starch mix and cook, stirring, until thickened. Cut the wings, legs and thighs at the joints, split the back in half and the breast into quarters. Arrange pieces on a platter and top with the gravy.

Yes, I know what it means

vul·gar [ vúlgər ]
adjective
1. crude and indecent: crude or obscene, particularly about sex or bodily functions

2. tastelessly ostentatious: showing a lack of taste or reasonable moderation

3. lacking refinement: lacking in courtesy and manners

4. language of ordinary people’s language: relating to a form of a language spoken by ordinary people

5. of ordinary people: characteristic of or associated with the majority of ordinary people ( archaic )

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Things One Should Never Say Out Loud

1. I know the perfect place to hide a body

2. I love the smell of ear wax

3. Potsy's cool

4. I've just sat on my balls

5. No I didn't see the Superbowl; I was watching Dawson's Creek

6. That wasn't the sewer, that was me

7. I'm trying to only masturbate twice a week

8. Just flex your ass checks to scratch your itchy hole

9. My feet smell like cheese

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Times of Frustration

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